the help

Yesterday was my first coaching session with Lezlie Laws from Life Art Studio.

This is going to be a long story.

A month before my resignation, I was feeling very, very depressed. All symptoms were there: anxiety, lack of energy, bad thoughts, desperation, sense of being lost, not wanting to get out of bed, and the worse - the guilt of feeling this way. Oh, the guilt. This is definitely the strongest little devil inside my mind. I see this guilt feeling literally as a little devil on my shoulder whispering all the time things about not deserving, not being appropriate, not being honorable, not being anything right.

I knew it was time to reach out for help. 

I was 16 or 17 when I had my first therapy session with Raul 'don't-remember-last-name'. He was my friend's therapist and she convinced me I should go too. It was nice. Back then teenagers didn't have social media to cry out about everything. We had journals, we had real friends taking us to see their therapist - Thank you, Reah! Almost ten years later, she introduced me to my husband. How cool is that?! Speaking about my feelings was hard but it helped me showing my dark side to my parents. I have always been brilliant in the spotlight, the popular A+ type of school girl, but in the shadows I was somebody else.

Later on when I was 21 maybe, I started seeing another therapist as I was finding myself in a life crisis. It was nice but the crisis to come was necessary so, I gave up after a few sessions.

I say crisis but it was actually a whole new chapter, if not a whole new book of my life. In 2006 I decided it was about time to live the experiences I wanted. Enough of the good school girl, enough of the nice christian girl. I wanted the world. I went deep. I explored. I quit my job. I moved to another country. I learned how to live on a tight budget. I did crazy things for love. I went back to my country, moved to another city, decided to move in with Matheus, finished my masters, learned again how to live on an even tightest budget. I lived. I had all experiences I was looking for.

Back to my hometown in 2008 and to my old job at my father's company felt like the right thing to do. After 2 years of "rebellion", I was ready to focus in the family business again. But you know, too much focus can also bring out negative results. The little devil was there again. Whispering about what people were thinking about me, about how I should work twice as hard as everyone else. After two years of this adding to some big problems the company went through I cracked down. I got so sick physically and emotionally that one day I woke up crying and just couldn't stop. I had a huge blister on my nose and the desperation was so visible that the doctor thought I had suffered some kind of violence.

It was past due the time of seeing a therapist. Along came Cleide Maboni in 2010. It was wonderful. We went deep on every aspect of my life. I learned how to shut up the little devil. Guilt was under control. I felt free from - all I can't say all - but from many issues that were holding me back. It was like coming out from a box. It felt so wonderful that in August even  though I was going through a stressful moment, that last drop of sanity before your going out on a vacation, I got pregnant.

Pregnancy was awful during the first weeks. I have just turned 27 and quitting therapy was not the smartest thing to do. I wanted to show the world I was one of those women that don't let pregnancy limit their lifestyle, work hours, dedication, professionalism, etc. Career was my priority, after all I would soon be financially responsible for another person. I had to make it. 

After Melissa was born I fell sick again. This time linfoma was one of the possibilities. I was so scared. I was terrified. In between breastfeeding I had a bunch of exams to do. Blood, MRI, ultrasound, blood again, doctors office... Those 4 weeks of investigation almost killed me. I had a baby, I was sick, I had a job to go back to, I had a husband investing on a new career... I felt like carrying an elephant on my back for 2 years. 

In 2014 I knew that I had to fit therapy in my budget. The family-work relation was like gasoline on fire. Only open people can work together with family and this was not our case. The discussions with my father were of total non-sense. He was not open to change and my brother and I were not open to accept staying the same. It was impossible to make it work without an outside help, without hurting ourselves too much.

Since the beginning of the year I kept on rehearsing my resignation. When the time came and I finally got their approval to move to the US it was time to look for help before the transition. This time was not only myself going out in the world for God knows how long, but I had a family. I decided for a family therapist. Matheus and I had gone through a lot since Melissa was born and we wanted to be in the right tune for this big move. We met Eloim out of a recommendation from a friend. We had only a few sessions but the discoveries about our relationship and our positions in it were precious. We definitely worked out issues we accumulated in the relationship closet and it made us move with more confidence and mutual trust.

After three weeks in the US, still on the run to buy everything for our new home, I mean, every-thing: kitchenware, furniture, food, towels, "bed, bath and beyond"...  working on my laptop for the first time outside the office with a two hour time difference, these was all supposed to be fun, but as soon as I left the tension between my brother and my father arose and he finally resigned. I had to take over and reassign his work - from 5,000 km away and 2 hours behind their time. I was so far but still so close to all problems again. What went wrong in my plan? My father would call me on FaceTime every hour. I started taking it in all over. Listening to him, to the employees, trying to calm everybody down, trying to manage the crisis from 5,000 km away.

This was February. It was so intense that this time it didn't take a year to hit me. Before the end of May I was pretty sure I had to quit and move on. Really move on because what difference it makes being away only physically if your emotions, your health, your career is attached to that same place? My mother was here during the whole month of May and she encouraged me to take the next step but first I had to be sure of it. I had to be so sure to the point that I could accept the downs of it, like having my father angry, disappointed at me.

After she left I reached out for help. I looked over a website of therapists and found Cindy Fabico. We had a phone consultation and her first opening was in three weeks. Of course I thought I would probably go crazy during this time but it actually worked the opposite way. During this time I did a lot of reflection and talked a lot with Matheus and my mother. Every day I felt like I had made some progress in reassuring my needs and my choices.

My first session with Cindy was on June, 23rd. God, it felt good telling the story of my life. Telling all the phases I've been gone through. Sharing my doubts, fears and convictions. Telling my story made me realize I have lived. I have done brave choices. Most of the times I didn't chose comfort, I chose challenges, I chose risk and that opened chapter and more chapters in my life book.

My second session was on July, 1st and on July, 20th I sent my resignation letter. Immediately I sent her an email asking for a opening on the 21st. She took me in and we worked on reassuring my decision and working that choice in a positive way in my marriage and in myself. In one of the sessions, having the decision well figured out, we were talking about the future and how I like writing and how I would like to try something new, maybe something more creative, she mentioned Lezlie Laws as a Coach who works with Creativity, Writing and Life.

I went through her website and it was love at first sight! We scheduled an introduction session where I told her my story and how lost I was towards the future. We spent almost 2 hours talking and it was amazing! Yesterday was my first session and I can't wait to see the progress we are going to make. I am excited and ready to work on flourishing, on bringing my out my potential, on getting strong in all aspects to be able to take in whatever the future holds.

What a long post. 

Bottom line is: HELP! Reaching our for professional help is wonderful. It is a must. There is no shame in wanting to do better, in having someone on your side to help you clear the way. It's just a matter of keeping the little devil quiet and work on bringing out your best version every day, day after day.

Love.